Currently Listening Our Love to Admire By Interpol Lighthouse see related

Karma

"You can't hold it too tight, these matters of security."

I guess I should have expected this. He always warned me about karma throughout our friendship. Little things here and there, but I didn't think much of it.  He must not have thought much about how karma would come back to me because of the things I did with him... for him. I thought nothing of leaving Fer for John. I thought that the change would be magnificent. Things would be so much better for me. Now our love is ruined and our friendship is shot.

He told me he wanted me. It seemed that he would have done anything to be with me. So, I took the chance and turned my friend into my boyfriend. I could not stand seeing him hurt. Our feelings were mutual for each other, but two days later, I left for school, three hours away. He said he did not care. I told him it would be hard for both of us... He said he did not care. He told me he loved me a few days later. I loved him, too. Things were good, though. We did anything to see each other as much as possible. So much gas money... ha. It was for love, though. What isn't?

It is always that way for me. They always fall for me so quickly. I try not to fall for them so soon. I always thought that men were afraid to fall in love quickly, too. It is usually a week or so at the most, then the phrase comes. "I love you." It is odd how those words can change a girl's mind so suddenly. I loved him, too, then. It was so sudden, though. I didn't expect it from him for a long time. I had known him as a friend for at least a year. He did not seem to be the type. I loved him now and he loved me. I think he still does...

It is funny how the word love can control you. It can make you do anything so you will never stop hearing that word. I lost so many opportunities because of that word. I love being loved. It did not bother me. Control. He had it. It is funny, though. He never seemed to be the jealous or controlling type. It makes me wonder if I am really what I seem. Maybe I'm not what he thought either. Control. He even told me when we were friends, when he was trying to win me, that Fer used love to control me, and he knew because he had done the same thing in the past. I paid that no mind. He could control me... 

He had all the power. He is a smart guy. He knows all of my buttons. He knows my tics and my tells, even over the phone. He can twist my words into anything he wants and make me feel bad about it. He even made me feel that I could not be trusted; that I could not trust myself. He told me straight up that he did not trust me. It bothered me for sometime, then I got over it. Love. Control. Trust. Or, maybe, distrust. Those words make a powerful combination together. He knows the perfect way to use those words together. I knew it. He knows he can, too.

I don't think he can even trust himself, now. It's funny how he told me, "I can't trust you while you're away." I know now, though. The last thing that I ever thought that he would do, he did. His mother even told me, "The best defense is a good offense." I never gave that phrase much mind until now. I know what it means. He is a perfect example. I never would have suspected it from him. Well, not before October, anyway. My trust for him has not been the same since then. But what I knew then, I tried to pay no mind. It has always been in the back of mind though. I left it drift away, though. I didn't think he would do it twice. I never did. Come to find out he has, apparently. He has changed so much...

Valentine's Day seems to get worse for me every year, apparently.

But karma comes back tenfold, and I've already gotten mine. His is coming. I will sit back and watch it come. I will not do anything but watch it come. I loved him, and maybe I still do. It will never be the same, though, and I doubt that he will ever have me again.

Baking...

Currently Listening The Notebook By Various Artists BillieHoliday - I'll be Seeing You" see related

All I can do is cry and cry

My Great-grandma died Monday. I have never cried so hard in my life. I need to vent so badly.

Before I was born, someone told my Great-mama that I shouldn't be born because I'm mixed. She told them, "Red, yellow, black or white, they are precious in his sight." My Great-mama loved me. When I was little, she used to take care of me when my mom and Nanni worked.  I remember going to her house. I would always fight with my mommy because I wanted to stay with her and not go to Great-mama's because she was old and old people kind of scare me. I remember screaming that I didn't want to go. Now I wish I could be with her in her house.

It was always sunny there and I always had fun after I got there. I remember her little kitchen with the clock that spins. Her little pepper plants. I never understood how peppers so small could be used, and I never saw her use them, but I remember that I liked to pick the little peppers off and she never got too mad at me.

I remember she and I would play with cut-out paper dolls. She would always cut off the little piece of paper that you used to attach the clothes onto the doll with. She did it because it made me laugh and we would laugh together. She would always make me laugh.

I remember in the afternoons, she would let me interrupt her Soap Operas to watch cartoons for an hour. She would let me play with the knick-knacks on her table from Japan. She had nutcrackers and candies and I never got bored there.

I remember the candy dish that she always had the soft peppermint sticks in. She always had them for us to eat together. They were our favorites.

I remember that she would always make me Cream of Wheat with butter. She always had Pineapple Philledephia Cream Cheese. It grew on me after awhile.

I remember how she would kiss my cheek and tell me she loves me. She would always call me Sugar.

I remember when my mom started working at Weyerhauser and I had to go to the house down the street where Great-Mama took care of her sister, Aunt Gee-Gee. Great-mama would always give me fifty cents for dusting and give me Grape-juice. That's where I found out I love Grape juice. She always had it when she knew I was coming over.

After her car accident, I think I began to look at her differently. She scared me because she didn't seem the same. It was because she was in a bed and couldn't get up anymore. I  remember Great-Mama always active, and when she couldn't be, it scared me more. I was scared to talk to her, to go in her room, to touch her.

Even though she had Alzheimers, she always remembered my face, and told me she loved me. I always told her I love her, too.  I regret very badly not going into see her the day before she passed away. I feel so guilty. She was my Great-mama, and I'll always love my Great-Mama.

Currently Reading A Clockwork Orange By Anthony Burgess see related

So things have been interesting lately.

Except for the whole school thing.

It's kind of boring.

Anyway, I went to the hospital Monday night.

I fell on my back down some stairs and it's bruised pretty bad.

I have pills for that though now.

It still sucks.

I've been in a baking frenzy.

I've made some great cakes.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh! I cut myself shaving.

I mean, I had to pull skin out of the razor and everything!

It was gross.

Tonight, my mom won concert tickets to see Dem Franchise Boyz, Cherish, Lil' Wayne, etc.

Behind the scenes, VIP passes.

I'm going...

to spit on them and tell them how fake they are.

My dream is coming true.

I've always wanted to spit on a Bullshit-ass rapper.

Let's seeeeeee....what else?

I quit my job at Papa Poblano's.

They were bullshitting.

I have been wait to be a waitress there for like, four months.

They hired this chick that doesn't even speak one word of Spanish.

Blasphemy.

Also, I don't want to work Fridays.

Football games > work.

Basically.

That has been life lately.

Currently Listening Ali G Indahouse: Da Soundtrack By Various Artists see related

It is the end of times...

The Apocalypse.

My high school's football team won a game for the first time in 28 games.

That's two years.

With 2:50 left on the clock.

I think it was Ian who caught the ball.

I think they threw it from twenty-five yards and he caught it.

(That is what I heard. I saw it, but I can't tell you how many yards it was.)

Then we got a touchdown.

20-13

This could be a sign from God, or a sign of the Apocalypse.

I'm so proud of them.

We rushed the field.

It's going to be a good year for 07.

I wish I was going to be there.

I'm a fucktard for graduating early.

After the game, Ty and I partied...

Hard...

at Mikey's house.

Lots of shots.

Anyway, Being a waitress is going good.

I've just got to work on carrying the trays.

At Papa P's, the waiters carry the food out on trays with one hand.

I'm really clumsy.

Fernando is teaching me well though.

Pero me regaña mucho.

Shit it's early.

The important thing is, HSHS won a game.

You Are From Saturn

You're steady, organizes, and determined to achieve your dreams. You tend to play it conservative, going by the rules (at least the practical ones). You'll likely reach the top. And when you do, you'll be honorable and responsible. Focus on happiness. Don't let your goals distract you from fun! Don't be too set in your ways, and you'll be more of a success than you ever dreamed of.

You've Experienced 28% of Life

You have the life experience of someone in their early 20s. You've seen some of what life has to offer - but you have a long ways to go.

You Are Banana Pocky

Your attitude: fun and lighthearted Unique and unforgettable You are cutie everyone falls for

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are a giving soul. Way too giving in fact. You often get stuck doing the dirty work that no one else will do. Your look is put together, classic, and stylish. You always look fashionable without trying. You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it. In relationships, you are practical and realistic. You have a romantic side, but you only let it out when it's appropriate.

Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends. You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.